There’s a term I recently became aware of—“night divorce.” It sounds like a legal strategy, but it’s not. It’s the practice of married couples choosing to sleep in separate bedrooms. Some even go so far as to say it’s the reason their marriage is thriving. Less snoring. Better sleep. Fewer arguments. More independence.

The media and others are fueling the idea that this is a good thing. I’m going on record to say it’s not.

But we need to ask the deeper question:

What does it say about our understanding of marriage?

As a Christian coach and someone who walks with men and women through the pain of divorce, I know firsthand that the breakdown of a marriage rarely begins with a blowout fight. It starts subtly, with small, intentional steps away from one another—night after night.

“Night divorce” might seem harmless—maybe even practical. But if we’re honest, it’s a symptom of a bigger issue in our culture: we’ve lost sight of God’s design for marriage. 

God’s Blueprint Isn’t Just About Space. It’s About Unity.

Genesis 2:24 reminds us: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

One. Not two. Not “together but separate.” God’s vision for marriage is unity, connection, and intimacy—not just physical but emotional and spiritual.

Choosing to go to separate rooms night after night, even under the banner of “more rest,” can easily become a quiet agreement to live parallel lives. And marriage was never meant to be parallel. It was meant to be a partnership.

The Real Issues Deserve Real Attention

I’m not saying that there’s no grace for seasons when sleep is hard—snoring, illness, young kids, or shift work. But those things are meant to be worked through together, not solved by avoidance. If there’s unresolved conflict, distance, resentment, or communication issues, then a closed door won’t fix that.

As a coach, I often ask: What is the conversation behind the behavior?

If you’re considering a “night divorce,” stop and ask:

• What am I feeling in my marriage that makes this feel like the best option?
• Is this drawing us closer together or quietly pulling us apart?
• What would it take to work through the issues rather than retreat from them?

Because avoiding the problem will never heal the relationship.

Marriage Takes Intentionality. So Does Disconnection.

Marriage doesn’t have to be hard, but it does take intention—just like any relationship that matters. Growth takes effort. So does connection. But so does disconnection. So does the quiet drift apart.

And while the idea of separate rooms might feel like a solution, I encourage you to take that same energy and invest it into each other instead. Seek wise counsel. Get coaching. Pray together. Talk, even when it’s hard. Don’t settle for the world’s version of marriage when God offers something so much richer.

What About Divorce?

I want to pause here and say something about divorce. Divorce is always harder than you think it will be.

Someone once said to me, “Staying in a marriage is easier than divorce.” I completely agree—most of the time.

“Night divorce”—the idea of sleeping in separate rooms to help your marriage—is not the path you want to take. In my opinion, it’s a quiet step toward something far more painful. And divorce is most likely not what you truly want.

After all, when you stood at the altar, did you say, “I’m looking forward to getting a divorce one day?” Of course not. You said “I do”—probably in joy and hope—with the dream of growing old together.

A Word About Divorce

Let me be clear: I don’t promote divorce. I believe in the covenant of marriage and the sanctity of God’s design. But I also understand that we live in a fallen world, and sometimes—because of sin, brokenness, betrayal, or unrepentant hearts—divorce becomes necessary. It’s not ideal. It’s not God’s original plan. But Scripture acknowledges it (Deuteronomy 24:1, Matthew 19:8–9), and there are times when it may be the right and even safest decision for everyone involved.

Years ago, divorce was the right thing in my life. It was not easy. It was not quick. It brought devastation—emotionally, financially, and spiritually. And I’ll say this: I didn’t marry with God’s guidance. I didn’t seek an equally yoked partner. I wasn’t prepared to be a Biblical wife.

It took a devastating divorce, financial destruction that followed, and years of loss and grief—including the death and grave illness of loved ones—for me to finally begin maturing as a follower of Christ. To start making decisions as a woman who truly seeks to honor God.

It took intention.

It took work.

It took learning to say no.

It took dying to self.

And fourteen years later, a man after God’s own heart walked into my life. That’s the fruit of restoration. That’s the beauty of redemption. And that’s the difference that comes when we let God lead.

We’re Better When We Choose Oneness

The enemy doesn’t need a dramatic event to tear apart a marriage. He just needs a little distance—and the permission to let it grow.

So instead of a “night divorce,” maybe what we really need is a night of prayer. A night of choosing each other again. A night of honest conversation, grace, and the courage to pursue healing and unity.

God hasn’t given up on your marriage. And you don’t have to either.

About Christy Mendelow

Christy Mendelow is a Certified Christian Coach and Teacher who serves men and women walking through life’s defining moments. With warmth, integrity, and clarity, Christy brings a trusted presence and a Biblically grounded coaching approach that aligns with professional standards and centers on your growth in Christ.

She adheres to the core competencies of the International Coaching Federation (ICF) and the International Christian Coaching Association (ICCA), providing a reflective space for discovery, insight, and forward movement.

Whether coaching, teaching, or co-leading Courageous Christianity with her husband, Colonel Richard J. Mendelow (Ret), Christy is committed to helping others live lives rooted in Biblical truth.

For more information, visit ChristyMendelow.com.